The Periodic Label

Science Non-fiction

Best new ridiculous, made-up condition: Restless Leg Syndrome.  (This doesn’t pertain directly to Vonnegut, but I feel like he’s probably written something like it somewhere...)

Mirapex, the new treatment for this made-up disease will help people who can’t stop shaking their legs.  (I knew a guy in high school that used to sit and shake his damn legs all day, sitting at lunch, in chemistry class, etc.  I always wondered about it - turns out his leg (and the rest of him) was just a douche bag.)

How does Mirapex work?  How the hell should I know?  Ask your doctor or the scientists that created it!  Oh wait…

“The precise mechanism of action of MIRAPEX tablets as a treatment for Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS) is unknown.” Okay, fine, at least we know they’ve been using it to treat people with Parkinson’s disease.  Surely, we’ll get an explanation on that at least...oh wait…

“The precise mechanism of action of pramipexole (the chemical name for MIRAPEX) as a treatment for Parkinson’s disease is unknown...”

Believe it or not, it actually gets more bizarre, have a look at some of the awful and unique side effects of this wonder drug.  It’s hard to choose just one, but I think my favorite is that it causes extreme addictive behavior, in particular, gambling and...wait for it...porn (damn, I wish I had already come up with this idea, it’s a classic).  See some patient excerpts here:

“Inability to ejaculate, extreme increase in sexual desire, very unsteady, nightmares so bad I cannot even bear to speak of them.  I took Mirapex for 1 week. I haven’t taken it for 2 weeks now and I still am unable to ejaculate, and to make matters worse, my libido has multiplied by at least 1000%!?! On top of that, the nightmares are terrifying. They leave me feeling scared, anxious, depressed, and I don’t know how to deal with it. My wife says she may sue the manufacturer if this doesn’t stop soon, it’s gotten so bad!”

and another:

“Vivid Nightmares both visual and auditory. Weight Gain about 35 pounds.  I started with .25mg and my RLS stopped being a problem. When I stop using it I can no longer sleep at all. After taking it for about 2 years I started Gambling uncontrollably which I have never done before and also I have started to have unexplained compulsive behaviors ie. smoking again after 8 years. I don’t know if this has been the cause but I suspect that it is.”

and one more:

“Compulsive shopping that has devastated me financially; inability to sleep more than 2 hours at night for 3 years, uncontrollable cravings for sweets and carbohydrates in the evening with 35 pound weight gain; severe arthritis and muscle cramps in legs; nausea; rash on lower legs; apathy about any thing other than compulsive behaviors”

I would think that people shouldn’t blame their addiction to shopping on some condition or drug, but it’s hard to deny how prevalent this is across the board.  The beauty of the drug industry is that there are already drugs being manufactured to “cure” certain addictions.

So, okay, your non-existent leg shaking condition is better after taking some Mirapex, but now you can’t stop jerking off, so you take the anti-addiction pill.  Sadly, you’re feeling bad that you’re not jerking off as much, so you start taking Zoloft to elevate that grey mood.  You’re feeling a little better now, but since Zoloft often renders men unable to achieve erections, you take some Viagra too.  Whoops, Viagra gave you a heart condition so you start taking beta blockers.  Sometimes you need to be on at least five prescription drugs to feel better…

If one ever needed to write science fiction, they’d need look no further than than our own science non-fiction reality…

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